I found the box in my father’s closet six months after he died, tucked behind the coats he hadn’t worn in years, the ones that still smelled like the cigarettes he’d quit when I was born, the ones that were waiting for a winter that never came. The box was cardboard, the kind that shoes come in, the kind that my mother had used to store photographs and letters and the things that didn’t belong anywhere else. I’d been putting off sorting through his things, the way you put off something that you know will break you, the way you put off something that will make it real, the way you put off something that will be the last time you touch the things he touched. My father and I hadn’t been close, not the way people are close when they share something, not the way people are close when they have the same language, the same stories, the same memories. He’d been a quiet man, the kind of man who showed love by showing up, by being there, by not leaving. He’d worked the same job for forty years, come home at the same time every night, sat in the same chair, watched the same shows, lived the same life, day after day, year after year. I’d been the opposite, restless, searching, always looking for something that wasn’t there, always leaving the places where I’d been, always trying to find a life that wasn’t the one he’d lived. We’d never talked about it, the difference between us, the distance that grew when I was old enough to leave, the space that became a habit, the thing that was always there, unspoken, unnamed, the thing that was the reason I was standing in his closet six months after he died, holding a box of things I didn’t know he’d kept.
The box was full of baseball cards, hundreds of them, maybe thousands, stacked in rows, sorted by team, by year, by the way he’d organized them when he was a kid, the way he’d kept them for sixty years, the way he’d carried them from the house where he grew up to the house where he raised me, the way he’d kept them in the closet, behind the coats, in the box that was the only thing that was his. I sat on the floor of his closet, the box in my lap, the cards in my hands, and I looked at the names, the players he’d watched when he was a kid, the ones he’d talked about when I was young, the ones he’d pointed out on the television when we watched the games together, the ones he’d said were the best, the ones he’d said were the reason he loved baseball. I’d forgotten that he loved baseball. I’d forgotten that we’d watched the games together, that he’d taught me the rules, that he’d taken me to the stadium when I was eight, that he’d bought me a hot dog and a program and a cap that was too big for my head, that he’d pointed at the field and said “someday you’ll understand.” I didn’t understand. I was eight, and baseball was slow, and the games were long, and my father was quiet, and the only thing I remembered was the hot dog, the program, the cap that was too big, the way the grass looked under the lights, the way the crowd cheered when someone hit the ball, the way my father put his hand on my shoulder and left it there, the way he’d said “someday.” I’d forgotten that. I’d forgotten that my father had been the one who taught me about baseball, who’d told me the stories of the players, who’d saved the cards, who’d kept them in a box in his closet for sixty years, waiting for someone to find them.
I started going through the cards, the way you go through something that belonged to someone else, the way you try to understand what they were thinking, what they were holding onto, what they were waiting for. There were cards from the fifties, the sixties, the seventies, the years when he was young, when he was working, when he was saving the cards that would be worth something someday, the cards that he’d told me about when I was a kid, the cards that he’d said were the only thing he’d kept from his childhood, the cards that were the only thing that was his. I found a card of a player I’d heard of, a player who’d been famous, a player whose card was worth something, a player whose card was in a box in my father’s closet, waiting for someone to find it. I looked it up on my phone, the way you look up something you’re not sure about, the way you check to see if it’s real, the way you check to see if it’s worth what you think it’s worth. The number on the screen made me put the card down, the way you put down something that’s too heavy, the way you put down something that changes everything. It was worth more than I’d made in a year, more than I’d made in two years, more than I’d made in the years since I’d left home, since I’d been looking for something that wasn’t there, since I’d been trying to find a life that wasn’t the one my father had lived. The card was worth enough to change things, to pay off the debts I’d been carrying, to start over, to be the person I’d been trying to be, the person who wasn’t the one who’d left, the person who wasn’t the one who’d stayed away, the person who wasn’t the one who’d come back too late.
I took the card to a dealer, the way you take something you don’t know what to do with, the way you take something that’s worth something, the way you take something that belongs to someone else. The dealer looked at it, the way dealers look at things, the way they know what it’s worth, the way they know what it means. He said it was real, that it was in good condition, that it was worth what I’d seen on the screen, that he’d buy it for that price, that he’d write me a check, that I could walk out of his shop with the money in my pocket, that I could be the person who’d found something worth something, the person who’d been given something, the person who’d been lucky. I looked at the card, the card my father had kept for sixty years, the card he’d put in a box in his closet, the card he’d waited for someone to find, the card that was the only thing he’d kept from his childhood, the card that was the only thing that was his. I said no. I said I wasn’t ready, that I needed to think about it, that I needed to figure out what it meant, that I needed to understand why he’d kept it, why he’d saved it, why he’d waited for someone to find it. The dealer said I could come back, that the card would be worth the same tomorrow, that it would be worth more next year, that I should take my time, that I should figure out what I wanted to do with something that was worth something, something that was someone else’s, something that was the only thing that was his.
I took the card home, the way you take something you’re not ready to let go of, the way you take something that’s the only thing you have left. I put it on the table, the table where my father had sat, the table where he’d eaten his dinner, the table where he’d sat alone after my mother died, the table where he’d been sitting when I called to tell him I wasn’t coming home, the table where he’d been sitting when I called to tell him I was coming home, the table where he’d been sitting when I called to tell him I was too late. I looked at the card, the player who’d been famous, the player who’d been worth something, the player who’d been the reason my father had kept the cards, the player who’d been the reason he’d taught me about baseball, the player who’d been the reason he’d taken me to the stadium when I was eight, the player who’d been the reason he’d put his hand on my shoulder and left it there, the player who’d been the reason he’d said “someday.” I didn’t understand. I didn’t understand why he’d kept the card, why he’d saved it, why he’d waited for someone to find it. I didn’t understand why he’d taught me about baseball, why he’d taken me to the stadium, why he’d put his hand on my shoulder, why he’d said “someday.” I didn’t understand why he’d been quiet, why he’d stayed, why he’d lived the same life, day after day, year after year, why he’d been the one who’d stayed and I’d been the one who’d left, why he’d been the one who’d waited and I’d been the one who’d come back too late.
I sat at the table for a long time, the card in front of me, the box of cards beside me, the coats in the closet, the cigarettes he’d quit when I was born, the life he’d lived, the life I’d left, the life I’d come back to when it was too late. I opened my phone because I didn’t know what else to do. I’d been doing that a lot lately, opening my phone, scrolling through things that didn’t matter, looking for something that would tell me what to do next. I ended up on a site I’d heard about from a friend, someone who’d mentioned it in passing, the way people mention things they don’t expect you to remember. I’d never visited it before, had never thought about it, had never been the kind of person who did the kind of things that happened on sites like that. But that night, sitting at my father’s table, the card in front of me, the box beside me, the coats in the closet, the cigarettes he’d quit, the life he’d lived, the life I’d left, I found myself going through the motions. I went to
play at Vavada casino, because I’d heard the name somewhere, because I needed to do something that wasn’t sitting at the table, because I needed to be somewhere that wasn’t the house where he’d lived, because I needed to stop thinking about the card and the dealer and the money and the things I didn’t understand. I deposited a small amount, the kind of money I’d spend on a program at a game, the kind of money I’d spent when I was eight, when my father bought me a hot dog and a program and a cap that was too big, and I started playing.
The game I picked was one with a baseball theme, which felt like something I couldn’t look away from. There were players on a field, the way they’d been when I was eight, the way they’d been when my father put his hand on my shoulder, the way they’d been when he said “someday.” I spun the reels, watching the players run, the field fill, the crowd cheer, the way they’d cheered when someone hit the ball, the way they’d cheered when we were at the stadium, the way they’d cheered when my father put his hand on my shoulder and left it there. I wasn’t thinking about winning. I was thinking about the card, the box, the closet, the coats, the cigarettes, the life my father had lived, the life I’d left, the life I’d come back to when it was too late. I was thinking about the dealer, who’d said I could come back, who’d said the card would be worth the same tomorrow, who’d said I should take my time, who’d said I should figure out what I wanted to do with something that was worth something, something that was someone else’s, something that was the only thing that was his. I was thinking about the stadium, the hot dog, the program, the cap that was too big, the grass under the lights, the crowd cheering, the hand on my shoulder, the voice that said “someday.” I played for an hour, maybe two, the spins becoming a rhythm that matched the beating of my heart, the way the game had matched it when I was eight, the way the stadium had matched it when the crowd cheered, the way the hand on my shoulder had matched it when my father said “someday,” the way things match when they’re the thing you’re supposed to be doing.
And then the screen changed. The music shifted, the colors deepened, and suddenly I was looking at a bonus feature I’d never seen before. The game told me I’d triggered something called the “hall of fame feature,” a progressive prize that built over multiple spins, and I had the chance to reveal multipliers by selecting different players on a field that looked like the field where I’d been when I was eight, the field where my father had taken me, the field where he’d put his hand on my shoulder, the field where he’d said “someday.” I had ten picks. Ten chances. I started tapping, the way I’d started looking at the cards, not knowing what would come, just knowing I had to keep going. The first three picks were small. The fourth revealed a symbol that doubled everything I’d accumulated. The fifth was another doubling. The sixth revealed a symbol that added five extra picks, and suddenly the field expanded, more players, more chances. The seventh pick was a large multiplier. The eighth was another doubling. The ninth revealed a symbol that triggered a final multiplier based on the total number of spins I’d played. By the time I got to the fifteenth pick, I was crying. Not because of the number, not because of the win, but because I was looking at the players on the screen and they were the players on the cards, the ones my father had kept for sixty years, the ones he’d taught me about when I was a kid, the ones he’d said were the best, the ones he’d said were the reason he loved baseball, and they were running, the way they’d run when I was eight, the way they’d run when the crowd cheered, the way they’d run when my father put his hand on my shoulder and left it there, the way they’d run when he said “someday.”
The game calculated the total, and I watched the number appear. It was the same as the card. The exact amount the dealer had offered, the amount that would change things, the amount that would pay off the debts, the amount that would let me start over, the amount that would let me be the person I’d been trying to be, the person who wasn’t the one who’d left, the person who wasn’t the one who’d stayed away, the person who wasn’t the one who’d come back too late. I sat at the table, the card in front of me, the number on my phone, the box beside me, the coats in the closet, the cigarettes he’d quit, the life he’d lived, the life I’d left, and I didn’t know what it meant. I didn’t know why the number was the same, why the game had given me what the card was worth, why the thing I’d been given was the thing I’d been trying to let go. I cashed out immediately. I withdrew everything, watching the confirmation screen appear with a clarity that felt like the first time I’d seen the card, the way it had looked in the box, the way it had looked in my hands, the way it had looked when I knew it was worth something, the way it had looked when I knew it was the only thing that was his.
I went back to the dealer the next day. I took the card, the one my father had kept for sixty years, the one he’d put in a box in his closet, the one he’d waited for someone to find. I put it on the counter, the way you put something you’re ready to let go, the way you put something that’s worth something, the way you put something that belongs to someone else. The dealer looked at it, the way dealers look at things, the way they know what it’s worth, the way they know what it means. He said he’d buy it, that he’d write me a check, that I could walk out of his shop with the money in my pocket, that I could be the person who’d found something worth something, the person who’d been given something, the person who’d been lucky. I said no. I said I wasn’t selling it. I said I was keeping it. I said it was the only thing that was his, the only thing he’d kept from his childhood, the only thing he’d saved for sixty years, the only thing he’d waited for someone to find. I said I was keeping it because keeping it was the only way to know that he was there, that he’d been there, that he’d lived the life he’d lived, that he’d been the one who’d stayed, that he’d been the one who’d waited, that he’d been the one who’d put his hand on my shoulder and left it there, that he’d been the one who’d said “someday.” The dealer looked at me, the way dealers look at people who don’t sell, the way they look at people who keep things that are worth something, the way they look at people who are holding onto something they don’t understand. He said “it’s worth something.” And I said “I know.” And I put the card back in the box, the box my father had kept in his closet, the box that was the only thing that was his, the box that was the only thing I had left.
I took the box home, the way you take something you’re not going to let go, the way you take something that’s the only thing you have. I put it on the table, the table where my father had sat, the table where he’d eaten his dinner, the table where he’d sat alone after my mother died, the table where he’d been sitting when I called to tell him I wasn’t coming home, the table where he’d been sitting when I called to tell him I was coming home, the table where he’d been sitting when I called to tell him I was too late. I took out the card, the one that was worth something, the one he’d kept for sixty years, the one he’d waited for someone to find. I looked at it, the player who’d been famous, the player who’d been worth something, the player who’d been the reason my father had kept the cards, the player who’d been the reason he’d taught me about baseball, the player who’d been the reason he’d taken me to the stadium when I was eight, the player who’d been the reason he’d put his hand on my shoulder and left it there, the player who’d been the reason he’d said “someday.” And I understood. I understood why he’d kept it, why he’d saved it, why he’d waited for someone to find it. He’d kept it because it was worth something, not the money, not the price, not the number on the screen, but the thing that it meant, the thing that it was, the thing that it had been when he was a kid, when he’d collected the cards, when he’d watched the games, when he’d been the person who loved baseball, the person who’d taught his son, the person who’d taken him to the stadium, the person who’d put his hand on his shoulder and left it there, the person who’d said “someday.” He’d kept it because it was the thing that connected him to the person he’d been, the person he’d wanted to be, the person he’d tried to be, the person who’d stayed, the person who’d waited, the person who’d been there when I came back, the person who’d been there when I was too late.
I still have the card. It’s on my desk, in a frame, the way you frame something that’s worth something, the way you frame something that’s the only thing you have. I look at it every day, the player who was famous, the player who was worth something, the player who was the reason my father kept the cards, the player who was the reason he taught me about baseball, the player who was the reason he took me to the stadium when I was eight, the player who was the reason he put his hand on my shoulder and left it there, the player who was the reason he said “someday.” I think about that night sometimes, the one at the table, the card in front of me, the box beside me, the coats in the closet, the cigarettes he’d quit, the life he’d lived, the life I’d left. I think about the night I went to play at Vavada casino, the night I did something I’d never done before, the night I was given back something I didn’t know I was asking for. I don’t think about it as luck. I think about it as the night I learned that the card wasn’t worth the money, that the money wasn’t the thing that mattered, that the thing that mattered was the hand on my shoulder, the voice that said “someday,” the life he’d lived, the life I’d left, the life I’d come back to when it was too late, the life that was still there, in the card, in the box, in the closet, in the coats that smelled like cigarettes, in the things he’d kept, in the things he’d waited for someone to find. The card is still here. It’s on my desk, in a frame, the way you frame something that’s worth something, the way you frame something that’s the only thing you have. I look at it every day, and I remember that he was there, that he’d been there, that he’d lived the life he’d lived, that he’d been the one who’d stayed, that he’d been the one who’d waited, that he’d been the one who’d put his hand on my shoulder and left it there, that he’d been the one who’d said “someday.” Someday came. It came when I found the card, when I held it in my hands, when I knew what it was worth, when I knew what it meant. Someday came when I sat at the table, when I opened my phone, when I did something I’d never done before, when I was given back something I didn’t know I was asking for. Someday came when I understood that the card wasn’t worth the money, that the money wasn’t the thing that mattered, that the thing that mattered was the hand on my shoulder, the voice that said “someday,” the life he’d lived, the life I’d left, the life I’d come back to when it was too late, the life that was still there, in the card, in the box, in the closet, in the coats that smelled like cigarettes, in the things he’d kept, in the things he’d waited for someone to find. Someday came. I was there. I found it. And I kept it.